I did have a yummy meal planned for today, but we have a TON of leftovers to work through, so Alex had the last of the leftover spaghetti green beans and I had leftover ravioli lasagna with a salad. SO, how about we talk about something different?
I mentioned that whole Weight Watchers thing in my first post.
It sounds so simple to say "I'm on Weight Watchers", but OMG y'all. This is not a simple matter in my life. Weight loss, body image, self-esteem...all of that is a daily struggle for me. Man, diet is like an hourly struggle.
I grew up a chubby kid and grew into a fat adult. I was always the fat kid and there's a whole slew of emotional baggage that comes with that. It doesn't take a genius to see how misplaced our values are in this country when it comes to physical appearance. Thin = healthy. Fat = lazy and sick.
My "weight loss journey" started about 7 years ago. I was 25 years old,and a size 20. I was obese. I'd always been obese, so I really didn't know that I had a choice to be anything but obese. I was unhappy about it, but I figured that was just my lot in life. For some unknown reason I randomly decided I should give Weight Watchers a try. My mom had done it before, she'd lost weight with it. I asked her if she would be interested in going to a meeting with me. I had no idea what I weighed before that meeting and had no idea what to expect. I thought I'd try it and see if I could lose 30 lbs. I actually LOVED it. I love food and I love cooking and I liked having some structure and getting to try new things, and the weight came off. I lost 75# in a little over a year. I was a size 10/12. I was exercising regularly and I could buy clothes in the "normal" section of the store. I felt so good about myself.
I worked hard and maintained my weight loss for several years....it wasn't EASY, but it wasn't really a struggle. It was just a part of me, this is how I eat.
But, shit happens. I went through some significant changes in my life and started to allow myself more treats, more drinks, more fun. I gained 5#, then 10#. I knew I had to put a stop to it, and I put myself back on the diet. But this time it wasn't so easy. I struggled to lose a pound or two, and the second I ate anything indulgent, I would eat ALL the 'bad' foods. I actually gained another 10 pounds while trying to loose the first 10 I'd gained. I was so discouraged. But, at the same time, I was really proud of myself, because though I was gaining weight and going up in pant size, I was increasing my activity level. I went from running 5ks a few times a year to running several 1/2 marathons a year. I was trying new activities at the gym and really pushing myself to work out. HOW can I be so much more fit, yet still so much fatter? And why do I not care that I'm fatter? Or, I don't care until I try on clothes and am not happy with how I look.
I am tired of putting so much focus on the number on the scale and the label on my pants. I have allowed my feelings of self worth to be determined by how "good" I was on my diet or how tight my pants feel. I want a do-over and I know that for this to work, I need to make my focus on my general health and not the number on the scale. But that means I also have to make the effort to really overhaul my diet. I try to eat healthy foods, cook with real food and not food products, but I have a serious sugar problem along with a bit of a binge eating problem. I allow my mood to dictate my food intake, and not my caloric needs.
Today I am committing to taking care of myself...and I know that I'm going to have to recommit every day, and probably every hour and some days every minute. But I am ready. I will mess up sometimes and I'll need to forgive myself. And I'm going on my honeymoon in two weeks, and I guarantee you I will not be on a diet that week. BUT, I am going to come back to my home and make this promise to myself again...and again...and again.